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Sheikh Muhammad Naasirudden al-Albaani
All praise is due to Allah, the One who said in the clear verses of His Book:
May the prayers and peace of Allah be upon His Prophet Muhammad, the one who said in an authenticated hadith : "Marry the loving and fertile, for I will compete with the other Prophets with the number of my followers on the Day of Qiyama". [Ahmad and at-Tabaarani with hasan isnaad. And declared saheeh from Anas by Ibn Hibbaan. And it has witnesses which will be mentioned in Question 19]
After this opening: There are in Islam, certain etiquettes upon anyone who marries and wishes to consummate his marriage with his wife. Most Muslims today, even those who exert themselves in Islamic worship, have either neglected or become totally ignorant of these Islamic etiquettes. Therefore, I decided to write this beneficial treatise clearly explaining these issues on the occasion of marriage of someone dear to me. I hope that it will be an aid to him and to other believing brothers in carrying out what the Chief of the Messengers has ordained on the authority of the Lord of the Worlds. I have followed that by pointing out certain issues important to every one who marries, and with which many wives in particular have been tested.
I ask Allah Most High to bring about some benefit from this treatise, and to accept this work solely for His glorious countenance. Surely, He is the Righteous, the Merciful.
It should be known that there are many etiquettes in the area of marriage. All that I am concerned with here in this quickly compiled work is that which is authenticated of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, that which is irreproachable from the standpoint of its chain of narration and upon which no doubt can be cast in terms of its constructions and meanings. In this way, whoever reads and follows this information will be on a clearly established basis in religion, and will have full confidence in the source and validity of his acitons. I hope for him that Allaah will put the final seal of felicity on his life, in reward for beginning his married life with the following of the sunnah, and to make for him among His slaves whose statement He has described in the Qur'an saying:
The final disposition of things is for those of pious practise, as the Lord of the Worlds said:
The following then, are those etiquettes:
It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc. This is found in the hadith narrated by Asmaa' bint Yazid ibn As-Sakan who said: "I beautified 'As'ishah for Allaah's Messenger, then called him to come to see her unveiled. He came, sat next to her, and brought a large cup of milk from which he drank. Then, he offered it to 'Aa'ishah, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I scolded her and said to her: "Take from the hand of the Prophet." She then took it and drank some. Then, the Prophet said to her, "Give some to your companion." At that point, I said: "O Messenger of Allaah, rather take it yourself and drink, and then give it to me from your hand." He took it, drank some, and then offered it to me. I sat down and put it on my kness. Then, I began rotating it and following it with my lips in order that I might hit the spot from which the Prophet had drunk. Then, the Prophet said about some women who were there with me: "Give them some." But, they said: "We don't want it." (ie. we are not hungry). The Prophet said: "Do not combine hunger and fibbing!" [Ahmad and al-Humaidi. Ahmad reports it with 2 isnaads - one of which supports the other, and it is supported...]"
The husband should, at the time of consummating the marriage with his wife or before that, place his hand on the front part of her head, mention the name of Allah Most High, and pray for Allah's blessings. As in the statement of the Prophet: "When any of you marries a woman ... he should hold her forelock, mention Allah Most High, and pray for His blessings saying: "O Allaah, I ask You for the good in her and the good with which You have created her, and I seek refuge in You from the evil in her and the evil with which You have created her." {Allaahumma innee as'aluka min khairiha wa khairi maa jabaltaha 'alaihi wa a'oodhubika min sharriha wa sharri maa jabaltaha 'alaihi} [Aboo Dawood and others. Al-Bukhari in "Af'aalul-'Ibaad", Aboo Dawood, Ibn Majah, al-Haakim, al-Baihaqee and Aboo Ya'laa with hasan isnaad ...]
It is desirable for the husband and wife to pray 2 rakaat together on their wedding night. This has been narrated from the earliest generation of Muslims, as in the following 2 narrations:
When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:
About this, the Prophet said: "After that, if Allah decrees that they will have a child, the devil will never be able to harm that child". [al-Bukharee][1]
FOOTNOTE:
It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes - from behind or from the front. About this Allaah revealed the following verse:
There are also various hadith on this subject, of which I will give only 2:
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a "planting ground" can only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations cited above. There are also other hadith on the subject, among them:
When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform wudhuu', based on the statement of the Prophet : "When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu' between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhuu' which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return."[Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others].
Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhuu' in such situations. Abu Raafi' narrates: "That the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet: "Couldn't you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)? The Prophet answered : "This way is purer, cleaner and better". [Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan in "al-'Ishrah", and others].
It is permissible for the husband and wife to bath together in the same place even though he sees her private parts, and she sees his. This is established by a number of authentic hadith, among them:
It is best for husband and wife not to sleep after having sex until they first perform wudhuu'. There are various hadith about this, among them:
This wudhuu' is not obligatory, but is very highly and definitely commendable. This (i.e. its not being obligatory) is based on the hadith narrated by 'Umar in which he asked the Prophet: "Should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?" To which the Prophet answered: "Yes, and perform wudhuu' if you wish." [Ibn Hibbaan: Saheeh]. This is also supported by other hadith, among them a hadith narrated by 'Aa'ishah who said: "The Prophet used to sleep in a state of janaba without having touched water, until he would get up later and bathe." [Ibn Abi Shaiba, at-Tirmidhee, Abu Daawood and others: Saheeh].
In another version narrated by 'Aa'ishah , she said: ""He used to spend the night in a state of janaba until Bilal came in the morning to make the adhaan. Then, he would get up, bathe while I looked at the water dripping from his head, and go out. Then, I would hear his voice in the Fajr prayer. Then, he would remain fasting." Mutarrif said: "I said to Aamir: In the month of Ramadhaan?" He said: "Yes, in Ramadhaan and in other than Ramadhaan." [Ibn Abi Shaiba, Ahmad and others: Saheeh].
It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum." [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan]
Bathing however, is perferable to any of the above-mentioned possibilities as is clear in the hadith of `Abullaah ibn Qais who said: "I asked 'Ai'ishah : "What did the Prophet do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before sleeping or sleep before bathing?" She answered: "He did all of those things. Sometimes he bathe and then slept. And sometimes he performed wudhuu' and then slept." I said: "Praise be to Allah who made things flexible."[Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwaana].
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating. This is clear in the following verse of the Qur'an:
There are also hadith about this, among them:
Then the Prophet said: "Be with them in the house, and do everything except for intercourse itself." The Jews said: "This man wants to leave nothing which we do without doing something different." Then, Asyad ibn Hudair said: "O Messenger of Allah, verily the Jews says such-and-such, shoudl we not then have sexual intercourse during menstruation?" The Prophet's face changed such that they thought that he was enraged with them, so they left. As they were coming out, they saw a gift of milk being brought to the Prophet. The Prophet then sent someone after them to give them a drink of milk, so they felt that he was not actually angry with them." [Muslim, Abu 'Auwaana and Abu Daawood].
Whoever is overcome by desire and has sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating and before she becomes clean must give the value of one dinar's weight of gold or about 4.25 grams (4.2315 to be more precise), or half that amount. This is based on a hadith narrated by 'Abdullaah ibn 'Abbaas from the Prophet in relation to one who enters his wife while she is on her period as follows: "Let him give one dinar in charity, or one half dinar." [At-Tirmidhee, Abu Dawood, At-Tabaraani and others: Saheeh].
It is allowed for him to enjoy pleasure with his wife in any way except for her private parts when she is on her period. There are several hadiths about this:
First: "and do everything except intercourse itself." [Muslim, Abu 'Auwaana and Aboo Daawood]
Second: On the authority of 'Aa'ishah who said: "When we were on our periods, the Prophet used to order us to put on a waist cloth that her husband can then lie with her." One time she said: "... her husband can then fondle and caress her." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslims and others].
Third: On the authority of one of the wives of the Prophet who said: "When the Prophet wanted something from one of his wives who was on her period, he put a cloth over her private parts, and then did whatever he wanted." [Abo Daawood: Saheeh]
When she becomes clean of any menstrual blood, and the flow stops completely, it is allowed for them to resume sexual activity after she washes the place where the blood had been, or performs wudhuu', or takes a complete bath. Whichever of these three alternatives she does makes it allowed for them to resume sexual activity, based on Allaah's statement in the Qur'an:
This is the position of Ibn Hazm, 'Ataa, Qatadah, al-Awzaa'ee and Daawud az-Zaahiree and of Mujaahid: as Ibn Hazm says: "All three of these are a purification - so whichever of them she uses after the cessation of her periods, then she is lawful for her husband."
The same term is used to mean washing the private parts in the Aayah revealed concerning the people of Qubaa:
There is nothing here in the Aayah however, or in the Sunnah, to restrict the Aayah in question to any of the three meanings - and to do so requires a further proof.
(Withdrawl of the penis from the vagina at the time of ejaculation with the purpose of avoiding impregnation. This can be done only with the permission of one's wife).
It is allowed for a Muslim man to practise coitus interruptus with his wife. There are several hadith about this:
First: On the authority of Jaabir who said: "We were practising coitus interruptus, and the Qur'an was being revealed." [al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]. In another version, he said: "We used to practise coitus interruptus in the lifetime of the Prophet. This reached the Prophet, and he did not prohibit us from doing it." [Muslim, an-Nasaa'ee and at-Tirmidhee].
Second: On the authority of Abu Sa'eed al-Khudhriy, who said: "A man came to the Prophet and said: "I have a young girl (right-hand possession), and I practise coitus interruptus with her. I want that which men want, but the Jews claim that coitus interruptus is minor infanticide." The Prophet said: "The Jews have lied, the Jews have lied. If Allaah wished to create a child, you would not be able to prevent it." [An-Naasaa'ee in al-'Ishrah: Abu Dawood and others: Saheeh].
Third: On the authority of Jaabir, a man came to the Prophet and said: "I have a slave girl who serves us and waters our date trees. Sometimes I go to her, but I dislike that she should become pregnant by me". The Prophet said: "use coitus interruptus if you like, but whatever has been ordained for her will come." After some time, the man again came to the Prophet and said: "She has become pregnant!" The Prophettold him: "I told you that whatever has been ordained for her will come." [Muslim, Abu Dawood and others].
Not practising coitus interruptus is preferable for a number of reasons:
First: It is harmful for the woman, since it reduces her pleasure by cutting it short. If she agrees to it, it still contains the following negetive points.
Second: It negates part of the purpose of marriage which is enlarging the Muslim nation through offspring, as in the statement of the Prophet: "Marry the loving and fertile, for I will compete with the other Prophets with the number of my followers." [Abu Dawood, an-Nasaa'ee and others: Saheeh]. This is why the Prophet once referred to it as "minor infanticide" (and not because it is forbidden as infanticide is forbidden) when asked about it saying: "That is minor infanticide". [Muslim, Ahmad and al-Baihaqi]. For this was preferable in the hadith narrated by Abu Sa'eed al-Khudhriy saying: "Coitus Interruptus was mentioned in the presence of the Prophet and he said: "Why would one of you do that? (note he did not say "let none of you do that") Allah is the Creator of every single soul." [Muslim]. In another version, he said: "You act and you act. There are no people destined to be from now until the day of Qiyama but that all of them will be." [Muslim]
Both spouses should enter into marriage with the following intentions: freeing themselves of unfulfilled sexual desires, and protecting themselves from falling into that which Allaah has forbidden (i.e. adultery and fornication). What's more, a reward as the reward for sadaqa (voluntary giving of charity) is recorded for them every time they have sex. This is based on the following hadith of the Prohpet narrated by Abu Dharr: "Some of the companions of the Prophet said to him: 'O Messenger of Allaah, the affluent among us have taken the rewards (of the hereafter)! They pray as we pray, fast as we fast, and then they give charity from the surplus of their wealth!" The Prophet said: "Did Allaah not make for you that from which you can give sadaqa? Verily for every time you say Subhannallah (Exalted is Allah) there is a sadaqa, and for every time you say Allahuakbar (Allah is Most Great) there is a sadaqa, and for every time you say Al-Hamdulillah (Praise is to Allah) there is sadaqa, and in every act of enjoining what is right there is sadaqa, and in every act of forbidding what is wrong there is a sadaqa, and in your sexual relations there is a sadaqa." The Companions said: "O Messenger of Allaah , is there a reward for one of us when he satisfies his sexual desire?" The Prophet said: "Don't you see, if he had satisfied it with the forbidden, would there not have been a sin upon him?" They said: "Why, yes! He said: "In the same way, when he satisfies it with that which is lawful, there is for him in that a reward." [Muslim, an-Nasaa'ee in al-'Ishrah, and Ahamd].
It is desireable for the husband to go to his relatives who came to visit him in his house, on the following morning, to give them greetings and pray for them. It is also desireable for them to do likewise for him, as in the following hadith narrated by Anas : "The Messenger of Allaah gave a feast on the morning of his wedding night with Zainab, at which he fed the Muslims to satisfaction on bread and meat. Then, he went out to the Mothers of the Believers (i.e. to his other wives), gave them greetings and prayed for them, which they returned in kind. This is the way he used to do on the morning after a wedding night." [Ibn Sa'd and an-Nasaa'ee: Saheeh].
The married couple must have a place to bathe in their house, and the husband must not allow his wife to go to the public bath houses. This is forbidden, and there are various hadith about it, among them:
First: On the authority of Jaabir who said: "The Prophet said: "Whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him not allow his wife to go to the Public baths. Whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him not go to the baths except with a waist-cloth. And whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him never sit at a table at which intoxicants are being circulated." [Al-Haakim, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh]
Second: On the authority of Umm ad-Dardaa' who said: "I came out of the public bath and I met Allaah's Messenger who said to me: 'From where have you come O Umm Dardaa'?' I said: 'From the baths'. Then he said: "By the One in whose hand is my soul, every woman who removes her clothes anywhere except the house of one of her mothers has torn down all that veils her before ar-Rahman." [Ahmad : Saheeh]
Third: On the authority of Abu al-Maleeh who said: "Some women from Ash-Shaam entered upon 'Aa'ishah and said: "Where are you from?" The women answered: "We are of the people of Ash-Shaam (the area of present-day Syria)." 'Aa'ishah said: "Are you perhaps from that district which allows its women to enter the public baths?" The said: "Yes". She said: "As for me, I heard the Messenger of Allaah say: "Every woman who removes her clothes other than in her house has torn down all veils of modesty between herself and Allaah." [at-Tirmidhee, Abu Dawood and others: Saheeh]
It is forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of their bedroom to anyone outside. The following two hadith are about this:
First: "Verily among the worst people before Allaah on the Day of Judgement is a man who approaches his wife sexually and she responds and then he spreads her secrets." [Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaiba, Ahmad and others].
Second: "On the authority of Asmaa bint Yazid who narrated "that she was once in the presence of the Prophet and there were both men and women sitting. The Prophet then said: "Perhaps a man might discuss what he does with his wife, or perhaps a woman might inform someone what she did with her husband?" The people were silent. Then I said: "O, Yes! O Messenger of Allaah verily both the women and men do that." Then the Prophet said: "Do not do that. It is like a male shaitaan who meets a female shaitaan along the way, and has sex with her while the people look on!" [Ahmad: Hasan or Saheeh due to supports]
The husband must sponsor a feast after the consummation of the marriage. This is based on the order of the Prophet to 'Abur-Rahman ibn 'Auf to do so, and on the hadith narrated by Buraida ibn At-Haseeb, who said: "When 'Ali sought the hand of Faatimah (the Prophet's daughter) in marraige, he said that the Prophet said: "A wedding (and in another version "a bridegroom") must have a feast." The narrator said: "Sa'ad said: '(a feast) of a sheep.' Someone else said: 'Of such and such a quantity of corn." [Ahmad and at-Tabaraani: Its isnaad is acceptable as al-Haafiz Ibn Hajr says in Fathul-Baaree: 9/188]
The following should be observed with regard to the wedding banquet:
First: It should be held ('aqb - Fathul Baaree: 9/242-244) three days after the first wedding night, since this is the tradition of the Prophet which has reached us. On the authority of Anas who said: "The Prophet entered upon his wife and sent me to invite some men for food." [al-Bukhaaree and al-Baihaqi]. Also on the authority of Anas, he said: "The Prophet married Safiya, and her freedom was her dowry. He gave the feast for three days." [Abu Ya'laa and others: Hasan].
Second: One should invite the righteous to his banquet whether they be rich or poor. The Prophet said: "Do not be the friend of any except believers, and have only the pious eat your food." [Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh].
Third: If one is able, he should have a feast of one or more sheep. Based on the following hadith, Anas said: "Abdur-Rahmaan came to al-Madeenah, and the Prophet assigned Sa'ad ibn Ar-Rabee' al-Ansaariy as his brother. Sa'ad took him to his house, called for food, and they both ate. The Sa'ad said: "O my brother, I am the wealthiest of the people of al-Madeenah (in another version: "... of the Ansaar"), so look to half of my property and take it (in another version: "... and I will divide my garden in half"). Also, I have two wives (and you, my brother in Allaah, have no wife), so look to which of mine pleases you more, so I can divorce her for you. Then upon the completion of the prescribed waiting period, you may marry her." 'Abdur-Rahmaan said: "No, by Allaah, may Allah bless you in your family and your property. Show me the way to the market-place."And so they showed him the way to the market-place and he went there. He bought and he sold and he made a profit. In the evening , he came back to the people of his house with some dried milk for cooking and some ghee. After that some time elapsed, until he appeared one day with traces of saffron on his garments. The Prophet said to him: "What is this?" He said: "O Messenger of Allaah, I have married a woman among the Ansaar." The Prophet answered: "What did you give her for her dowry?" He answered: "The weight of five dirhams in gold." Then, the Prophet said: "May Allaah bless you, give a feast if only with one sheep." 'Abdur-Rahmaan said: "I have seen myself in such a state that if I were to lift a stone, I would expect to find some gold or silver under it." Anas said: "I saw after his death that each of his wives inherited one hundred thousand Dinars." [Al-Bukhaaree, an-Nasaa'ee and others].
Also on the authority of Anas he said: "I never saw the Prophet sponsor such a wedding feast as the one he gave for Zainab. He slaughtered a sheep and fed everyone meat and bread until they ate no more." [Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim and others].
It is allowed to give the wedding banquet with any food which is available and affordable, even if that does not include meat. This is based on the following hadith narrated by Anas: "The Prophet stayed between Khaibar and al-Madeenah for three days during which he had entered with his wife Safiya . Then I invited the Muslims to his Wedding feast. There was neither meat nor bread at his feast. Rather, leather eating mats were brought out and on them were placed dates, dried milk, and clarified butter. The people ate their fill." [Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim and others].
It is commendable for the wealthy to help in the preparations for the wedding feast based on the hadith narrated by Anas about the Prophet's marriage to Safiya: "Then, when we were on the road, Umm Sulaim prepared her (Safiya) for him (the Prophet and brought her to him at night, and so the the Prophet awoke the next morning a new bridgegroom. Then he said: "Whoever has something, let him bring it." (In another version, he said "Whoever has an excess of provisions, let him bring it.") Anas continues: "And so the leather eating mats were spread out and one man would bring dried milk, another dates and another clarified butter and so they made Hais (hais is a mixture of the above three things). The people then ate of this hais and drank from pools of rainwater which were nearby, and that was the wedding feast of the Prophet." [Al-Bukhaaree, Muslims and others].